let's dependence

I had developed a strong emotional dependence on one particular woman over the past six months.

I first met her three or four years ago, but after some changes in my state of mind, I reached out to her again and we met a few times. At first, I was calm. But perhaps it was something about her-no, rather, the timing was terrible. I was on the verge of giving up on a long-held personal dream, and I was desperate, grasping at anything I could. Before I knew it, I had become dependent on her.

I kept contacting her one-sidedly, and as my messages went unanswered, my feelings only intensified. Unable to wait, I began surrounding myself with the things she liked, convincing myself that I understood her. Eventually, I found myself thinking about her all the time.

"Have I really been this dependent, even at my age?"

Overwhelmed by intense self-loathing and disgust, along with work stress, anxiety about getting older, and many other factors, I quickly fell into mental illness.

Through confronting myself again, I created this piece.

Now, I cannot feel even the slightest hope for the future.
The ugly man you see at the end is a self-portrait.

I believe I am still dependent.

I do not blame her in the slightest. Not even 1mm.
This is all the result of my own foolish self-consciousness, and the curse I placed on myself in adolescence.

I don't know if there is any value in continuing to live while exposing such an ugly state of myself.
But even so, I chose to create.