Lyric

Something was already broken in me since before I knew its name

I built my castles out of blocks alone and no one ever came

The other kids beat up on me and I just cried and cried and cried

I clung to mom and begged her please but she said no go back inside

Even starting grade school I couldn't make a single friend

I wandered through my classes and they watched me like I was condemned

Parent teacher meeting and my teacher turned on mom

"Exactly what kind of parenting is happening at home?"

I didn't even know yet that something in me wasn't the same

My mother's face, so full of grief, was burned behind my eyes and stayed

When will I finally be rewarded?

Is there even such a thing as being saved for someone like me?

The question weighs too much for me to carry

Today again no answer found, I fall into my fantasy

And then I looked and I'd become a grown-up, still the same inside

I built my mountains out of stories, all alone, nowhere to hide

My boss would hit me so one day I finally ran away

I held onto my parents, begged them please, but they looked the other way

I went to see a doctor and they put a name on what I am

That name felt like a verdict: you were broken from the start, young man

Online they say consider it a gift, just who you are

But something in my gut told me those words don't reach that deep, don't reach that far

Each time I told my parents, their faces fell, and it tore something out of me

When will I finally be rewarded?

Is there even such a thing as being saved for someone like me?

The question weighs too much for me to carry

Today again no answer found, I dissolve into illusions

I hate myself for being born a man into this world

There's no one on this earth who'd ever want someone like me, I know

But my body still wants things, and that wanting tears me apart

Girls who are broken get to drown themselves in love and be held

For broken boys like me there isn't even half a drop of that

I found that written by a stranger in the dark somewhere online

And something in me said: yes, that's exactly what I am, that's right

I was almost decided

Four forty-four in the morning

And suddenly a beam of light came crashing down from somewhere above

I thought my mind had finally snapped, that I'd gone past the edge

Then the light screamed at a volume that could split the sky: "I'm angel-chan, hiii!"

The angel-chan who came to me knew everything I didn't know about myself

She loved me without reason and she took the weight right off my shelf

Angel-chan reached out her hand and softly stroked my head and said these words

"You've worked so hard for so so long, you are a beautiful beautiful soul"

"You came here from among the stars, you really did, you are a starseed"

Led by angel-chan I packed my things and left to seek awakening

She had me buy her books one after another, strange and maddening

I read them all and somewhere in the middle I arrived

I love myself, I hold myself, and so the world holds me inside

I love myself, I hold myself, and so I hold the world inside

I opened up a little room for strangers on anonymous social media

And somehow every one who came was a girl that this world had left behind

A girl whose best friend killed herself and took a piece of her along

A girl whose parents carved her face apart to make her beautiful

A girl who paid for groceries with her body, her own father's hands

I was ashamed of what I'd thought once - that broken girls get to drown in love and be held

I sat with every single one of them as if to burn my debts away

They found a single thread of light and wept the whole way home in pieces

And I could feel it settle in my bones: my life holds meaning after all

And today again I spend each last drop of myself so someone doesn't fall

Maybe someday someone's going to find me and they'll ask

"When will I finally be rewarded?"

And I will look at them and I will say:

"The day you learn to love yourself, the world will answer you"